Cheeseburgery

It’s easy on the pocketbook and the whole family will enjoy its “cheeseburger-y” flavor.

Anything you don’t want, put it here! Cake got too much frosting? Put it here! Those cookies Grandma gave you have too many chocolate chips? Put ’em here! Cheeseburger too, uh, cheeseburgery? Slap it into these hands!

This gets back to the quick of the argument; that is, given the flurry of “calls to action” kids receive, can they truly distinguish the truth of the world from the truth of chocolatey or cheeseburgery goodness—especially when so many adults can’t seem to? The hard reality, as one respondent puts it, is that the companies with the money and resources to bring heavy marketing expenditures to bear on this segment are the ones who have made that money via chocolatey or cheeseburgery goodness, and eliminating the “Super-Size” from the menu doesn’t make what remains any more nutritional.

This winter, there is a diverse buffet of movies for you to choose from. Most people order the widely franchised cheeseburger because of its biggie-sized portion, its reliably adequate flavor, and its bright, attractive packaging. Don’t get me wrong; on opening day, I’ll be sitting in the front row savoring the cheeseburgery deliciousness of “Quantum of Solace” and “Twilight.” But after the initial cinematic hunger subsides, the diner, like myself, who craves a heartier meal, will take a second trip through the buffet line and search for a meal with a more complex flavor and memorable substance.

YOU REALLY DON’T WANT ME TO BE A VEGETARIAN, DO YOU? / QUITE THE CONTRARY. IF YOU WANT TO BE A VEGETARIAN, I’M FINE WITH THAT | IN FACT, RIGHT NOW I’M LOOKING UP RECIPES ON THE INTERNET — ANY IDEAS? / I DON’T KNOW–HOW ABOUT SOMETHING ‘CHEESEBURGERY’?

I shuffle down grimy stairs and into church basements filled with plastic chairs, hungry for his simple, shimmering vision of cheeseburgery salvation.

Cheeseburger-flavored Doritos? How did they manage to do that? Why did they manage to do that? Did people write letters to Frito-Lay saying, “You know, I like the Nacho and Cool Ranch flavors, but could you make something more cheeseburgery?”

Getting to a sufficiently cheeseburgery bite in the deceptively deep bag required digging through a tangle of way too much romaine and an uneven distribution of beer-braised ground beef that overpowered the three-cheese sauce, potato straws, pickles, “Not McDonald’s Special Sauce” and tortilla chips.